Addressing Problems During Adolescence

The turbulent passage of adolescence often leaves parents feeling weary, a relentless cycle of “one difficulty after another.” This perception, fueled by tired parental eyes, stems from two primary sources of frustration.

The Whirlwind of Development

Adolescent growth is a constant state of flux, a relentless push for change that disrupts familiar patterns and demands continuous parental adjustment. “She’s become more private,” or “He’s less compliant,” are common refrains as teenagers redefine themselves. This developmental upheaval creates a sense of instability, as parents grapple with a constantly evolving young person.

The Lessons of Trial and Error

Adolescence is also a period of experimentation, where mistakes and their consequences become powerful teachers. While proactive guidance can mitigate some pitfalls (“My parents showed me what to do, just in case”), the hard-won lessons of experience (“Now he understands what not to repeat”) are often the most impactful.

Defining the “Problem”: A Matter of Perspective

A “problem,” in this context, is essentially a parental judgment, a discrepancy between desired behavior and observed conduct. It’s a statement of dissatisfaction, a comparison that highlights the gap between expectation and reality (“The way you’re behaving is different from how we wish you to act”).

Bridging the Gap: Three Paths to Resolution

Parents can address this discrepancy in three ways:

• Influence Change: Persuade the teenager to align their behavior with parental expectations (“Homework must be completed before online play”).
• Adjust Expectations: Modify parental desires to accommodate the teenager’s behavior (“Your taste in music is ultimately your choice”).
• Negotiate Compromise: Find a middle ground that balances parental preferences and the teenager’s needs (“Your room is tidier than you prefer, but not as tidy as we’d like”).

The definition of “problem” lies in the eye of the beholder. Parents see late nights as a threat (“We worry about fatigue”), while teens see it as standard practice (“It’s not a problem, everyone does it!”). Parents, in a dispute, might enforce their rules: “No late-night communication.” This can feel like a major obstacle to a teenager: “You’re isolating me!” While parents provide essential structure, their rules inevitably limit freedom. A teen’s complaint, “My parents are a problem,” can be a testament to conscientious parenting, even if it’s not a compliment. Differing perceptions of adolescent “problems” between parents can be rooted in gender. For example, a parent might dismiss a behavior in their same-sex child that their partner finds concerning, leading to statements like, “You wouldn’t understand; you didn’t grow up as a [gender].” Open communication can help parents understand each other’s viewpoints.

Perceiving something as a “problem” often involves negative labeling, triggering emotional responses. For example, “You’ve been lying, and I need honesty.” This puts both parent and teen in a vulnerable position, prone to feeling offended or criticized. Parents must proceed with care, as their word choice significantly impacts the interaction. When addressing problems, parents should shift from emotionally charged, evaluative language (“You’re so thoughtless!”) to objective, operational language (“Your dishonesty makes trust difficult”). This avoids defensiveness and promotes productive dialogue. Focusing on specific behaviors, rather than character judgments, is crucial for navigating adolescent challenges.

Adolescent problems require mature, not upset, responses. Model sober communication, recognizing these as normal developmental hurdles. Respect the attention, problem-solving, and learning they offer. Express concern, not judgment: “We worry when you break rules,” not “You’re irresponsible.” This opens communication.