Taking Control of Your Thoughts to Take Control of Your Life

Who comes to mind when you think of the most influential person in your life? A parent, family member, or friend? You might respect the opinions of all of them, but in reality, the most influential person in your life is yourself. No one talks to you more frequently than you.

In fact, we all speak to ourselves constantly; whether it be out loud or just in our heads. And the mood we set in our own minds determine how we view ourselves, others and the world.  

How we view ourselves

One of the first questions that I ask clients is how they talk to themselves. Usually, this question confuses them because it’s something they’ve never been asked before. I once had a client who said they often thought about how much of a “lazy bum” they are. This led to me asking about his job, if he regularly got all of his work done, if he’d ever been reprimanded by his boss for laziness, etc. He thought about it for a moment, and then said no.  After we talked for a while, we were able to come to the conclusion that the issue came from the way he perceived and talked to himself, rather than from actually being lazy.

Our brains believe what we tell it, whether it is true or not. If we tell ourselves that we have a character fault over and over again, we’ll start to believe it. The next time you start berating yourself for a perceived flaw, ask how often other people in your life express the same opinion.

How we view others

Much in the same way that how we talk to ourselves affects our perception, our inner monologue about others affects how we perceive them as well. For example, if you’re in the middle of a fight with your spouse and keep thinking about how annoying they are, you will focus on all the things they have ever done wrong regardless of whether or not it’s relevant to the current disagreement. This can make the argument snowball and last longer, and also cause lasting bitterness even after it’s resolved.

Instead, the next time you are feeling annoyed with someone’s behavior, try to take a moment to think about the things about them that you appreciate. You need to be able to have a calm discussion about what is actually wrong, rather than focusing on all of their character flaws at once.

Remember that there are always two ways to look at everything; negative and positive. If we view everything negatively, we will always find more to be angry about. However, when we are able to focus on the positives it’s easier to build stronger relationships. A kinder, happier person will always have a more fulfilling life over someone who is constantly bitter and angry.

How we view the world

Envy is addicting sometimes, and it’s far too easy to focus on what we don’t have and constantly find ourselves wanting more. If we only look at our circumstances through the lens of “everything is wrong” we will tend to think more negatively. However, if we are able to shift the focus to being grateful for what is going well in our lives, then we can eventually change our moods and behaviors for the better.

Think of all the good things in your life, such as having access to basic resources, a family that loves you, as well as other things such as internet access. These might seem like simple things that everyone has, but the fact of the matter is that many do not. If you are able to read this article, then you already have more than so many others in the world!

Teaching ourselves to focus more on the positive aspects of our lives will lead to more opportunities for contentment. If instead, you choose to focus on how slow your internet is, or what your neighbor has that you do not, you’re giving yourself more opportunities for discontent. And obviously, it’s natural to want better things for yourself and your family. The key is finding a balance between wanting and being grateful, and realizing that contentment doesn’t have to be about having the most impressive things. Our minds tend to have a negative bend, but putting forth the effort to change how we think about ourselves and others allows us a better chance of finding happiness within the life we already have.

If you are struggling with an inner-monologue that is full of unwanted negativity, then reach out to us. We have a diverse staff, and can match you with a therapist who can help you find the path to a healthier, happier mind.