Why the Best Things in Life Hurt

There’s a strange paradox at the heart of psychology. The harder you try to fall asleep, the more wide awake you feel. The more you desperately try not to think a negative thought, the louder it echoes in your head. And, as a growing body of research shows, the effort, pain, and discomfort we try so hard to avoid are often the very things that produce our greatest pleasures and deepest sense of meaning.

Paul Bloom—author of The Sweet Spot: The Pleasures of Suffering and the Search for Meaning—on Psychologists Off the Clock, dove into this weird, beautiful aspect of human nature. Why do painful things like terrifying horror movies or tongue-scorching hot sauce feel so good? And why are pain and purpose so inextricably linked?

The “Meaning vs. Discomfort” Experiment

Let’s try a quick mental experiment. Read through the list below and check off the activities that bring up a sense of discomfort or anxiety for you.

Then, go through it a second time and note which ones feel meaningful, important, or valuable to your life:

• Saying “no” to projects or people when your plate is already full.
• Sitting down to resolve a deep-seated conflict with a family member.
• Listening with a genuinely open mind to someone with opposing political views.
• Waking up early to move your body when it’s pitch-black and freezing outside.
• Staying at a social event even when your social anxiety is screaming at you to leave.
• Turning down another drink or dessert when you know you’ve had enough.
• Traveling anywhere with young kids.
• Asking for a raise, a promotion, or better boundaries at work.

Notice any overlap? You aren’t alone.

A Meaningful Life Is Not a Pain-Free Life

The more you engage with activities that matter, the more discomfort you are guaranteed to invite into your life. (Ask literally any parent—they’ll confirm this in a heartbeat.)

Discomfort is a package deal with purposeful pursuits like parenting, activism, pet ownership, and deep relationships. But here’s the kicker: experiencing pain can actually be pleasurable in its own right.

Activities like hot yoga, deep-tissue massages, eating ultra-spicy food, or running long distances feel good because they create contrast, offer a welcome break from our constant mental rumination, and signal resilience to ourselves and others.

There’s a neurological side to this, too. Dr. Anna Lembke, author of Dopamine Nation, notes that when we constantly hyper-stimulate our brain’s pleasure centers, we end up experiencing more dysphoria. The brain craves balance (homeostasis) and responds to excess pleasure by turning up our pain sensitivity. Taking a intentional “dopamine detox”—choosing to reside on the “pain” side of the scale for a bit—paradoxically resets our brain to experience true pleasure more fully.

6 Ways to Skillfully Choose Pain in the Pursuit of Purpose

As clinicians, we ask individuals to choose pain in the service of meaning every single day.

Much of this work is grounded in exposure therapy and acceptance principles. The goal isn’t to be a sadomasochist; it’s about growing what psychologist Russ Harris calls your “zone of flexibility.” When you flexibly turn toward what is uncomfortable, you unlock an infinitely richer, fuller life.

Here are 6 strategies to help you expand your flexibility in the presence of discomfort:

1. Reclaim the Power of Choice

Most mornings, I wake up early to run, lift heavy weights, or sit in silence. If someone forced me to do these things, it would feel like torture. But choosing them transforms the entire experience. Choice alters your relationship with pain. You can even apply a “yes brain” mindset (a concept from Dr. Dan Siegel) to obligations that feel forced upon you. Heading to an awkward family gathering? Shift your perspective from “I’m being forced to go” to “I am actively choosing to show up for my family.”

2. Turn Up the Meaning Dial

Imagine your mind has two connected dials: a Pain Dial and a Meaning Dial.

Because they are tethered together, every time you turn up the Meaning Dial, the Pain Dial turns up, too. The goal isn’t to crank down meaning just to get rid of the pain. Instead, practice making space for the discomfort while keeping your eyes fixed on what that meaning brings to your life. Purpose fuels distress tolerance.

3. Stay Grounded in the Right Now

Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky points out a fascinating trend in psychological research: breaking up painful experiences into smaller chunks (like taking frequent breaks during a dental procedure) actually makes them more painful, not less.

The anticipation of pain is almost always worse than the reality. Your mind loves to tell doom-and-gloom stories about how terrible the next hour, week, or year will be. Drop the future. You don’t need to tolerate tomorrow’s discomfort; you only need to sit with the present moment. Right now is entirely doable.

4. Physicalize Your Discomfort

When anxiety strikes—like late-night rumination—get out of your head and into your physical body. Turn toward the feeling and describe it like an observer: What shape is this anxiety? What color is it? Is it heavy, sharp, moving, or cold? By physicalizing the feeling, you give your brain a constructive task, separate your identity from the emotion (you have pain, you are not the pain), and take the terror out of the sensation.

5. Expand Your Perspective

When your internal alarm system goes off, your focus narrows into severe tunnel vision focused entirely on the perceived threat. Zoom out. Ask yourself: When else have I done something hard that was deeply worth it? How did that discomfort shift over time? Remind yourself of our common humanity—learning skills, standing up for values, and building deep connections are uncomfortable for every single human on earth. Discomfort isn’t a sign that you’re broken; it’s a sign that you’re alive.

6. Transcend Your “Small Self”

Choosing discomfort for something bigger than yourself is the ultimate antidote to modern self-absorption. In a culture obsessed with comfort, quick fixes, and endless to-do lists, stepping into a service-oriented mindset breaks the spell. When you turn toward your own discomfort with kindness, you cultivate the exact compassion needed to show up for others.

Pain and discomfort aren’t glitches in the human experience they are essential ingredients of a well-lived, vibrant life. The next time you feel that familiar ache of anxiety, awkwardness, or physical strain while pursuing something you care about, don’t run. Take a breath, turn toward it, and expand.