Are You Feeling Inadequate and Insecure?

When was the last time you felt inadequate or insecure?  In the context of this question, the word inadequate refers to feeling that you are not good enough. Slightly different, the word insecure refers to not feeling confident in yourself. Both inadequacy and insecurity can revolve around how we look or how skilled we are in certain areas. Here are some examples of what I often hear:

• I’m not smart enough.
• I’m too fat.
• I’m too skinny.
• I’m not strong enough.

I hear these things all the time. I heard them last month, last week, or maybe, even right before writing this article. Let me share the last time I felt inadequate and insecure.

The other day, I was watching a show on Netflix called “Emily In Paris”. It’s a cute show about this young professional who moves to Paris for a work assignment. Her job is to provide an American perspective for a French fashion marketing company. The first season is all about Emily learning about French culture and navigating romantic relationships.

As fate would have it, her downstairs neighbor ends up being this up-and-coming chef in Paris. He just happens to be handsome, in good shape, with a nice French accent. After I finished watching the first season, I was getting ready for bed and I looked at myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. I remember feeling an uncomfortable emotion. As I continued to look at myself I was thinking, “what is this emotion and where is it coming from?”

At that moment, I realized the person looking back from the mirror was not some young good-looking French actor, it was just me. I was able to put a name to the emotions I was feeling. I was feeling inadequate and insecure. As I looked at my reflection, my insecurities became more and more clear. I wish I was taller, had a better head of hair, I wish I was in better shape. Perhaps an attractive accent would be nice, not necessarily a French one, I would be open to other ideas. I then started to feel inadequate about my skill level as a therapist and as a professional working adult. I quickly realized I had to make a choice of what to do with my emotions. I knew I had two clear options for how to move forward at that moment. But before I tell you what choice I made, let’s look at what you can do when you feel inadequate and insecure.

Here are three steps you can take to help you work through feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Most of the time, we are not in control of what we feel or why we suddenly feel something. However, we are always in control over how we respond to our emotions.

STEP 1: Recognize the Emotion

Being able to recognize your emotions is the first and most basic step in this process. Camping and hiking is something that I love to do. I have always been taught that if I ever get lost the first thing I have to do is orient myself to my present location. If I start to wander around without knowing where I am or knowing which direction is north or south, it will become more difficult for me to find my way. Recognizing our emotions is like orienting ourselves to our location when we become lost. Understanding our emotions allows us to make a more informed choice about how to respond to a specific emotion. Different emotions require the use of different healthy coping skills.

Step 2: Respond Mindfully

After recognizing the emotion, doing something about it is the next step. There are two important aspects to remember during this step. The first deals with being mindful and the second deals with action. When feeling inadequate or insecure, we often want to make choices based on what we feel in the moment. It’s important to make the choice to focus on what you know instead of what you are feeling. Taking a mindful action is all about using healthy coping skills. Getting distracted is all about doing something with what you are feeling. This answers the question, “what are you going to do about it?”

You have to make the choice to use healthy coping skills to respond to your emotions. There are literally hundreds of coping skills you can use to distract yourself. Some examples include:

• Listening to music
• Working out
• Going for a walk
• Cooking a meal
• Cleaning
• Watching a show
• Learning a new hobby

When you feel inadequate, take that energy from the emotion and improve what you are feeling inadequate about. For example, I started CrossFit several months ago and I love it. It’s a type of workout that focuses on weights and body movements. I felt inadequate about my strength, so I decided to do something about it and now I work out three times a week. Make a choice and respond mindfully to your emotions.

Step 3: Seek Encouragement

Now that you have accepted your emotion and made a choice to respond, sometimes you might need additional support to feel better. This is when it’s time to seek encouragement. Seeking encouragement does not always mean you have to find another person to talk to; encouragement can come from a variety of sources. It’s an external source, outside of yourself, that helps build you up when you are feeling down. Family, friends, faith or spirituality, and support groups are just some examples of different sources of encouragement. Modern social culture can send messages that are not always helpful for our self-esteem and self-confidence. Look to your sources of encouragement and work on being mindful enough to really hear what they are saying.

Now, let’s go back to my story of feeling inadequate and insecure. I knew I had a choice to make. The choice was clear, do I focus on what I know or do I continue focusing on what I was feeling? I was feeling unattractive, not smart enough, not strong enough, and the list goes on. However, what I knew in the moment was that I was created with a purpose. Even with my cleft-palette, God did not make a mistake. I have gifts and talents that are unique to what I do and how I use them. They make me who I am.

Instead, I decided to focus my energy on what I knew. My faith is a big part of who I am, so as I settled into bed I opened my Bible to Psalm 130. It is a short passage that speaks about waiting on the Lord and crying out to God. God hears our cries and our hope can rest in the promises He makes to us. At that moment I felt significantly better because my focus changed. I was able to recognize the emotions and respond mindfully by focusing on what I knew instead of what I felt at that moment.

What will you do the next time you find yourself feeling inadequate and insecure? I hope you can try these steps and see how it helps. If you feel like you might need additional emotional support, Stenzel has almost 50 therapists across 4 locations that can provide additional emotional support in these difficult times.