Growing Tensions with Competition During Adolescence

Competition is a process in which individuals or groups strive to surpass one another to achieve a goal. This drive is fueled by various motivations, such as the desire to improve performance, test one's abilities, or simply to enjoy a challenge. Competition is a fundamental aspect of life, manifesting in a friendly sports game or a high-stakes business environment. While it demands significant effort and energy, it also carries the risk of frustration and defeat. The value of competition can be recreational, as seen in sports, or crucial for survival, as in the marketplace.

The Parental Dilemma: To Compete or Not to Compete?

Parents often face a dilemma: should they encourage their adolescents to be competitive? The answer is not a simple "yes" or "no." While the development of a competitive spirit can be beneficial, it's also fraught with potential pitfalls.

On one hand, healthy competition can teach valuable life skills. It fosters resilience, improves problem-solving abilities, and builds a strong work ethic. It can also be a powerful motivator for personal growth and skill development. Learning to navigate the emotional landscape of winning and losing prepares adolescents for the real world, where setbacks are inevitable.

On the other hand, an unhealthy focus on competition can lead to negative outcomes. For instance, it can contribute to excessive stress, anxiety, and a fear of failure. If the sole focus is on winning, adolescents might develop a mindset where their self-worth is tied to their achievements, leading to a fear of not measuring up. This can also strain relationships, turning peers into rivals rather than collaborators.

Ultimately, the goal is not to eliminate competition but to help adolescents develop a healthy relationship with it. This means teaching them to focus on personal improvement rather than simply beating others. Parents can encourage their children to compete against their own best performance, celebrate effort over outcome, and understand that true success lies in growth and learning, not just in victory. This balanced approach allows adolescents to reap the benefits of competition while avoiding its potential harm.

As children mature, their relationship with care and autonomy evolves. In infancy, care is a given, a product of dependence. As they grow, they begin to navigate a world where they must care for themselves and compete with others who are doing the same. This shift from dependence to social independence introduces a new layer of complexity, where one's path is not just about personal desire but also about what others are pursuing. This competitive element becomes more pronounced in adolescence, where resources—social, athletic, and academic—are often limited and highly sought after. Young people vie for acceptance, opportunities, and a place in their social circles, driven by the fundamental need to belong and advance.

Why We Compete: The Three Drivers

The drive to compete is deeply ingrained and can be understood through three core motivations:

1. Competition as Social Survival: For some, competition isn't a choice; it's a necessity. This is about securing one's place in a social structure. This kind of competition is often defensive, a means to avoid being left behind or ostracized. It's the drive to "keep up with the Joneses" to maintain social standing or to secure a spot in a sought-after club to feel a sense of belonging. The underlying motivation is to exist and be relevant within a community.
2. Competition for Enjoyment and Challenge: For others, the motivation is internal. They compete because they genuinely enjoy the process. This form of competition is often seen in sports or games, where the challenge itself is the reward. It's about testing one's limits, seeing how far one can push their skills, and relishing the thrill of a close contest. The outcome is secondary to the satisfaction of the effort and the joy of the game.
3. Competition for Ambition: This motivation is goal oriented. Individuals compete because they want a specific outcome that they highly value. This could be a scholarship to a top university, a promotion at work, or a championship title. The competition is a means to an end, a necessary step toward achieving a cherished goal. This drive is forward-looking and is often tied to long-term life plans and personal aspirations.

By understanding these different drivers, we can see that competition isn't a monolith. It can be a burdensome necessity, a source of exhilarating fun, or a purposeful path toward a desired future.

People have vastly different relationships with competition. Some are drawn to it, while others actively avoid it. This difference in competitive drive often stems from a person's core motivations and what they find fulfilling.

The Highly Competitive Individual

On one end of the spectrum are those who are highly competitive. They are driven by an innate desire to constantly improve and challenge themselves, whether it's by beating their own personal bests or by outperforming others. For these individuals, competition isn't just a means to an end; it's a fundamental part of their identity. They thrive on the thrill of the contest and the satisfaction of proving their capabilities. This drive can manifest as a playful spirit in a game or a fierce determination in a professional setting. The central motivation for them is the challenge of doing better and the inherent joy that comes with striving for dominance and personal excellence.

The Competition-Averse Individual

At the other extreme are those who are competition-averse. They find the idea of vying against others uncongenial and prefer to focus on their own growth and personal pursuits. For them, competition feels like a chore, demanding social interaction, conformity to rules, and constant comparison. They are more motivated by private satisfactions and solitary challenges. They may enjoy personal hobbies, creative projects, or intellectual pursuits where their only measure of success is their own progress. Their satisfaction comes from pursuing what personally matters to them, free from the pressure of external comparison and social validation. For these individuals, the journey is about individual expression and growth, not about winning or losing against others.

Whether we like it or not, in a world of limited resources, adolescents must learn to navigate an increasingly competitive landscape. This reality shapes their journey from childhood, where wants were often met without much effort, to a more socially complex world where they must vie with others for what they desire.

The Motivations for Competition

The drive to compete is multifaceted, but it generally stems from four key areas:

• Survival and Opportunity: Sometimes, competition isn't about choice but necessity. This is about securing one's place in a social or professional structure, like vying for a limited college spot or a job promotion.
• Self-Improvement: We can also compete against ourselves. This involves the drive to better our own past performance, pushing personal limits to grow and improve our skills. This is often the healthiest form of competition.
• The Sport of It: For many, competition is about the sheer enjoyment and challenge it presents. It's a game where the thrill of the contest and the act of testing one's abilities are the primary rewards.
• Dominance and Rivalry: This type of competition is focused on besting others. It can be driven by a desire for superiority or a need to win against a rival. This is often the most intense and psychologically demanding form of competition.

The Complex Psychology of Competition

Competition is a psychologically complex activity, holding a mixture of positive and negative effects. It can be a powerful motivator, encouraging individuals to strive for excellence and improve their skills. It can also be educational, as participants learn from the interactive play. Competition can even be unifying, as opponents agree to follow a common set of rules, and it can foster teamwork when individuals cooperate for a collective goal.

However, competition also has a darker side. It can be divisive, as it creates a clear winner and a loser. It can strain relationships by fostering rivalry and hostility. There's also an inherent risk of defeat, which can be emotionally and psychologically taxing. Ultimately, the cost of competition is not just effort; it can also be the emotional weight of winning or losing.