Helping Your Teen Appreciate Adversity

A very wise high school counselor I knew many years ago believed her role was to help young people recognize what she called "the gifts of adversity." With countless troubled students and adults, she did just that. They would come in to see her feeling overburdened and they would leave feeling empowered.

How did she accomplish this psychological transformation—and could parents learn to do the same?

This counselor's secret was helping students reframe their struggles. She didn't dismiss their pain but instead guided them to see their challenges not as burdens but as chances for growth. This is the core of resilience: the ability to bounce back and even grow stronger in the face of hardship. It's about shifting one's mindset from "why is this happening to me?" to "what can I learn from this?"

How Parents Can Help Their Children Thrive Through Adversity

Parents can adopt this same approach by teaching their children to view adversity as a catalyst for personal development. Here are a few ways to do it:

• Model a Resilient Mindset: Children learn by example. When faced with your own challenges, talk openly about the steps you're taking to overcome them. Show them that it's okay to feel frustrated or sad, but what matters is how you respond to those emotions.
• Encourage Problem-Solving: Instead of immediately solving their problems, guide your children to find their own solutions. Ask questions like, "What have you tried so far?" or "What's one small step you can take to make this better?" This builds their sense of agency and shows them they're capable of handling difficult situations.
• Emphasize Effort Over Outcome: Praise their hard work and perseverance, not just their achievements. This helps them understand that the value isn't just in winning but in the effort they put in. When they face a setback, you can say, "I'm proud of how hard you worked on that, and I know you'll use what you learned to do even better next time."
• Frame Failure as Feedback: Help your child see that failure isn't the opposite of success; it's a part of it. A setback can be a valuable lesson, providing the information needed to improve. For example, if they get a poor grade, focus on what they can do differently next time, rather than on the disappointment of the grade itself.

The wisdom of a high school counselor, and the technique she used to help young people, can be a powerful model for parents. Her approach wasn't a rigid formula but a two-part process that helped adolescents transform their perspective on adversity.

The Two-Part Helping Process

The first step was to listen and empathize deeply. By doing so, she created a safe space where the young person felt truly seen and understood. This emotional connection was crucial. For instance, if a teenager was sad about not making a sports team, she didn't rush to fix the problem. Instead, she sat with them in their sadness, validating their feelings of loss and disappointment. This simple act of being "with them" fostered trust and made them receptive to her guidance.

The second step was to help the adolescent find opportunities for growth within their hardship. Once the emotional connection was established, she could show them how their trial was not just a setback but a new possibility. She would point out that every loss creates two kinds of freedom: freedom from something (the pressure, the time commitment, the expectation) and freedom to explore something else. This shift in perspective empowered them to see a new path forward.

The Gifts of Adversity

Parents can adopt this same strategy. Adversity can be isolating, and when a teen is focused on their pain, it's hard for them to see the bigger picture. By first validating their emotions and then helping them look for new possibilities, parents can help their children recognize what the counselor called the "gifts of adversity."

Here are some common gains that come from facing and coping with life's challenges:

• Building Resilience and Confidence: Every time a challenge is met, a young person discovers a new capacity within themselves. This strengthens their self-discipline and independence, leading to a profound sense of confidence.
• Developing New Skills and Knowledge: Hardship often forces us to learn and adapt. Whether it's finding creative solutions, learning a new skill, or taking on a new role, adversity stimulates personal growth.
• Fostering Empathy and Connection: Coping with struggles can lead to a deeper understanding of others' pain. This can inspire a young person to show more caring, provide support to others, and affirm the importance of love and relationships.

By pointing out the upsides of hardship, parents aren't dismissing their adolescent's suffering; they're adding a crucial, positive perspective that the young person, consumed by their struggle, often can't see.

The Power of Reframing Adversity

Parents can serve as a vital guide in helping their children reframe their experiences. For an adolescent, the immediate pain of a setback—like not making a team or failing a test—can feel all-consuming. Their focus is on the loss, the embarrassment, or the disappointment. A parent's role in this moment is to acknowledge that pain while gently shifting the focus to the growth happening beneath the surface.

For example, a parent might say, "Even though this situation is taking all your energy right now, we're watching you develop problem-solving skills you didn't have before." This simple statement does two things: it validates the child's current struggle ("this situation is taking all your energy") and, at the same time, introduces the idea that they are gaining something valuable from the experience ("you are developing a capacity for problem-solving").

This approach helps a teenager understand that the difficulties they face are not just obstacles but opportunities for growth. It teaches them to see themselves not as victims of circumstance but as capable individuals who can navigate life's challenges and emerge stronger. This is a powerful lesson in resilience that will serve them long after the specific hardship has passed.