How To Bring Spontaneity Back Into Your Marriage

Everyone falls into a rut sometimes. Life can become a cycle, but when you notice yourself going through the motions at work and at home, it might be time to take action. After all, your spouse is the person you do life with, your partner in sickness and in health. If you feel stuck in a rut and your marriage is not as exciting as it used to be, it might be time to try something different. Here are some ideas on how you can help put some emotional intimacy, excitement and spontaneity back into your marriage.

Look Forwards and Backwards

Looking back on the time that you have spent with your spouse is a great way to connect with them. Take some time to watch your wedding video and look at wedding photos, and talk about what you remember from that day.

With or without mementos from the wedding, talking about your life together can remind you how exciting it was to be in that early stage. What early moments together gave you the butterflies? When did you know you were destined to be together? What inside jokes do you share that absolutely no one else would understand?

You can make a list of things that you are grateful for, both in your marriage and about your spouse, and it can be a helpful way to look back in fondness of the memories you both share. Tip: Sharing a memory or something you’re grateful for in a handwritten card works wonders.

You can also look to the future, and talk about what you still hope to do together. Dream about your perfect vacation, or talk about what you want to do when you retire. Explore different areas where you would want to move to in the future, or projects that you want to take on as a team.  

Go Deeper

This one is not for beginners, and both you and your spouse need to be fully open to honesty and acceptance before commiting to it. Asking your spouse big, vulnerable questions about your relationship can have powerful and lasting impacts. Questions such as “How have I let you down lately? What could I have done better this week? What do you want us to improve?” all give you the opportunity to be open and honest in a way that you may be uncomfortable with.

These moments are difficult, but they’re powerful. The questions don’t all need to be about improving the relationship, either. Ask your spouse about what they think you have done well in your marriage up to this point. Another great exercise is to list five things that you appreciate and love about your spouse. Whenever I counsel a couple, that is one of the first exercises I have them engage in: What are five things your spouse did well this week?

Talking with your spouse about the five love languages can be a game changer. Learning how your spouse receives love the best, and how you prefer to receive love can be a great way to honor and serve your spouse better. Open and honest communication will help your marriage thrive.  

Prayer is also an important factor. Spend time with God together as a couple through prayer, Scripture, and worship and watch how much more  you connect with God and each other. 

Another way to increase intimacy in your marriage is to change up one of the most intimate acts in your marriage: sex. Try having sex in a different room than just your bedroom. Changing the location can create excitement and a new level of intimacy that you may have never thought of before.

Try Something New

Take another couple out to eat, or have them over for dinner. There you can talk about your relationships—the good parts, the hard parts and what you can learn from each other.

Taking your spouse out on regular dates is a wonderful idea. Try something out of the ordinary. Go to a comedy club or a local theater. Take a cooking class together, or find a fun recipe on YouTube that you can try together at home. Play a game, go for a bike ride or picnic in your backyard. You could even pitch a tent and camp in the comfort of your yard. Take an exercise or yoga class together. Take up a hobby that interests both of you, such as gardening or painting. Have a staycation in the city.

If these suggestions are not working, and you still find yourself struggling to exit the rut, Stenzel Clinical Services has licensed and compassionate therapists that would be more than willing to work with you. If you want to schedule an appointment with a counselor, we have over 40 therapists who are here to help you in whatever you are going through in life.

Leave your spouse notes throughout the day. Do the dishes or wash their car for them. Even buying flowers is a great way to remind your spouse that you love them. If you want to help others while connecting with your spouse, consider serving together with a local ministry, such as a homeless shelter or Feed My Starving Children. Find a younger couple that you know and offer to mentor them.