When Your Teen Doesn’t Feel Good Enough

As children transition from late elementary to middle school, it’s common for them to experience more emotional “downs” and increased moodiness compared to their younger years. This can be challenging for both the young people themselves and their families. A frequent concern during this period is a pervasive feeling of not being “good enough” – whether it relates to their identity, their achievements, or their aspirations. So, what’s behind this shift?

This phase is a period of significant neurological development and hormonal changes. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive functions like emotional regulation and decision-making, is still maturing. This means young people might have a harder time managing intense emotions. Simultaneously, puberty brings a surge of hormones that can directly influence mood swings.

Beyond biology, social and psychological factors play a huge role. Children in this age group are increasingly aware of their social standing and peer perceptions. They start to compare themselves more to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy if they perceive themselves as falling short. The academic demands also increase, adding pressure to perform well. They’re also grappling with questions of identity, trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in, which can be a turbulent process.

In essence, these feelings of “not being good enough” are often a complex interplay of a developing brain, surging hormones, and the heightened social and academic pressures of late elementary and middle school.

The onset of adolescence, typically beginning between the ages of 9 and 13, marks a significant turning point. It’s the moment young people begin to separate from childhood and embark on their coming-of-age journey. During this period, their world shifts dramatically. The primary focus moves from family to friends, and the carefree days of recreational play start to give way to a desire to act more grown up.

As adolescents begin to redefine their physical appearance, strive to behave older, and work hard to maintain their social standing within peer groups, simply remaining content can become a real challenge. On tougher days, the constant comparison to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as if they just can’t keep up, catch up, fit in, or truly belong socially.

During adolescence, young people often measure themselves against what they perceive as ideal—whether it’s their most prominent peers or the flawless images portrayed in media. This constant comparison can lead to intense self-criticism. They find themselves asking tormenting questions: Am I confident enough? Am I smart enough? Do I have enough friends? Am I attractive enough? What about my body shape or size? Am I loved, popular, fashionable, happy, knowledgeable, experienced, or successful enough?

It’s no surprise, then, that feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency can plague the early and mid-adolescent years. Getting ready for school in the morning can become a daunting task, as the mirror often reflects only what they wish they weren’t.

These harsh self-evaluations can easily lead to feeling like a misfit, an oddball, a reject, a loser, or a failure. And if they also encounter social meanness—with vulnerable young people often making fun of others for the very things they fear being tormented about themselves—it only intensifies their struggle.

What are some ways we can help young people navigate these difficult feelings of comparison and self-criticism?

When Deficiency Breeds Irritability

Increasing feelings of deficiency in young people can often manifest as irritability at home. Becoming more critical of themselves, they may also become more critical of their parents, leading to common complaints like, “She’s become so prickly to live with!”

However, before taking this behavior personally and becoming offended, parents are usually better served by approaching the situation with empathy. Instead of reacting defensively, try asking some gentle, understanding questions:

• “Has this been a hard day for you?”
• “Are you feeling down, and would talking about it help?”
• “Do you need some alone time to feel better?”
• “Is there anything fun we could do that might lift your spirits?”

Opening this kind of dialogue can help bridge the gap and provide support during what’s often a challenging time for adolescents.

Increasing feelings of deficiency may be expressed through irritability at home. More critical of themselves, they can be more critical of parents who complain: “She’s become so prickly to live with!”

However, before taking this behavior personally by taking offense, parents are usually better served by asking the young person some empathetic questions: “Has this been a hard day?” “Are you having a down time and would talking about it help?” “Do you need some alone time to feel better?” “Is there anything fun that would lift your spirits?”

But suppose the young teenager feels stuck: “Stop blaming me for being down! I can’t help it! I can’t change how I feel!” When discouragement feels emotionally overwhelming, finding other options can be hard. However, parents can help.

“You’re right, feelings can be incredibly hard to change directly. But here’s a secret: you don’t have to change your feelings to change your feelings.”

Then you can explain it this way: “Your experience is all connected—your feelings, thoughts, and actions constantly influence each other. For example, if you think no one likes you, you might decide to keep to yourself. This can then lead to feeling lonely. However, if you shift your thought to believe that some people might like you, and then you choose to act socially with others, you’ll probably start feeling less alone. So, whenever you’re in a funk from feeling down, you can ask yourself: ‘What positive thoughts or fun activities usually make me happy?’ And then, perhaps, take a break by doing some of those.”

Here are three key parenting practices that can significantly help counter “not good enough” thinking in young adolescents:

1. Minimize Criticism

All criticism, even well-intentioned, sends a “not good enough” message. It’s crucial for parents to cultivate a criticism- and tease-free family environment, especially during the often discontented and vulnerable early adolescent years. Instead of saying, “You’re doing it wrong,” try suggesting, “You might try it this way instead.” This approach focuses on guidance rather than judgment.

2. Use Non-Evaluative Correction

When an adolescent misbehaves or makes a misstep, parents can respond with non-evaluative correction. The key is to address the choice or behavior, not attack their character. For example, you could say: “We disagree with the decision you’ve made, this is why, this is what we need to happen now, and, as always, we want to listen to whatever you have to say.” This separates the action from the person, fostering a sense of accountability without diminishing their self-worth.

3. Encourage Positive Appreciation

It’s easy for young teenagers to get caught up in social comparison. Parents can offer this vital caution: “When you measure yourself by comparing to others, you risk ignoring how you are truly beyond compare. Please remember, there is no one in the world exactly like you, so prize the special person you are. We’ll be happy to help you count the wonderful ways.” This reinforces their unique value and encourages self-acceptance.

By implementing these practices, parents can create a supportive environment that helps young adolescents build resilience and a stronger sense of self-worth.