Understanding And Facing Our Emotions

Often when I have new people coming into therapy, their goal is to get rid of their emotions because they make them uncomfortable. When I see clients dealing with anger, grief, anxiety or fear, they often search for ways to avoid the emotions as much as possible. For some reason, society has portrayed this vision that the person who shows no emotion is strong, and that those who show their emotions are the weak ones. However, this is quite the opposite. Which of those is more difficult and courageous? One takes energy and is difficult to maintain, while the other simply pushes everything under the rug and pretends nothing is there. The person who is able to show their emotions and confront them are the ones who show more strength.

Repression

Repressing your emotions is like keeping toxic waste in a box. As hard as you try, eventually it will seep out. Emotions can seep out in various ways in life, whether it be addictions, anxiety or depression. We all think that we can be “fine.” A perfect example of this is road rage. Why do people get so upset with other drivers on the road? Someone is not going the speed that you want to drive, and you yell at them in your car. It has very little to do with the car in front of you. Another example is yelling at the person ringing up your purchases at Target. Why would you yell at them, just because they made a mistake while bagging your groceries?

Like road rage, we take our anger out on people who often do not deserve it but are a convenient outlet for it. Say someone does something to make you angry, but it is a 2/10, but we act as if they did something that was a 10/10. Our misplaced anger hurts other people when they do something small and we blow up at them. Lashing out at loved ones when they do not deserve it can wound the relationship and cause pain for them. This can be seen often in spouses, children and friends.

The reason that we take our anger out on others is that it is an easy way to release the emotion. If you do not let your emotions out, they will find a way out, one way or another. When I see a client and they share a vulnerable emotion with me, such as shame or fear, I thank them. What an honor it is to have a vulnerable emotion shared with me. I let them know that I am thankful that they shared, and that I hear them. This is what creates intimacy between people. When you are vulnerable with someone, it is a key ingredient of intimacy.

The Secret Behind Anger

95% of the time anger is a secondary emotion, with the primary emotion buried underneath. These emotions can include fear, sadness or shame. Realizing what the driving emotion behind our anger helps us feel and process our emotions. This is what therapy provides; a safe space to share your struggles and process through them. I am currently seeing a client who has repressed hurt and sadness from years and years of trauma. She has seen that she has to count the cost of repressing her emotions. It is a difficult journey going through childhood wounds and pain. What she is doing is strong and courageous. We never want to force people to work through their emotions, but we want to guide them on the path of healing. The only way to process your painful emotions and work through them is to share, vent and go through the emotion. Here at Stenzel Clinical we offer a safe place and we promise to share and care, as well as help you reframe many aspects of your life to offer a fresh, professional perspective.

Taking On Your Emotions

In today’s society, men are often afraid to show emotions out of fear of being labeled as weak. Likewise, women in business often are afraid to show emotions out of fear of being labeled as an “emotional woman.” It is such a shame that men and women still have to struggle this way in   2019. Our flight or fight response will tell us to stay away from situations that are painful, and emotions can be painful. But as adults. we know that sometimes you have to go through difficult and painful experiences to get what you want in life. We do things like sacrifice comfort for achievement. We work long hours to pay for the nice car or expensive vacation with our family. When we decide to eat healthier and work out, it’s often because we’re seeking to feel better about ourselves. And while it’s certainly better for physical health, there is the misleading notion out there that this will fix mental health issues as well.

Emotions are meant to be shared, but in the appropriate time and place. You can find that time with a loved one, a friend or a therapist. Once you are able to work through your emotions, you can finally find peace with the many areas in your life. You can find peace with trauma, childhood wounds and pain. They will no longer hold you captive in bondage as you will no longer fear them. So many people go through events in life that are traumatic, but only through facing those traumas and emotions can you find healing.

If you are struggling to figure out what emotions you’re feeling, or struggling in general, it is important to take a step back and ask “What am I feeling right now?” Remember, good and bad are not emotions. Here is a helpful chart that can pinpoint more specific emotions if you are struggling to put a name on what you are feeling. If you are overwhelmed by your emotions or stuck in destructive behaviors and patterns because of them, seek out a counselor. Identifying the issue and seeking help are the next steps in the healing process. If you are struggling with emotions, we are here to help.