Dealing With Family Tension During Self-Isolation

We’re all under a lot of stress at the moment, and this can lead to having a much shorter fuse than we usually do. A lot of us are trying to find the silver linings in this situation as a way to make us feel a little less overwhelmed, but it’s okay to feel this way. The first step is to admit that you are stressed. Oftentimes we want to bottle up our problems, and believe that everything will turn out fine. We make ourselves feel guilty for being worried. We “should” ourselves. We should be enjoying this time with my family, we should be taking this time to chase passion projects, etc.

During this time, it is extremely important to give ourselves grace and allow ourselves to process the stress in ways that work for us. If you need to lock yourself in a room for a few hours to decompress, that’s fine. If you destress by binge watching television instead of building a new spice rack or writing the next great American novel, that’s fine too. Many of us are stuck in the house together for the foreseeable future, so it’s important to find healthy ways to ease your negative emotions.

This week, I found myself frequently apologizing to my wife for being crabby. She thanked me for not only recognizing that I was being rude, but also for apologizing to her. Giving both ourselves and others, grace is important. My verse for the year is Ephesians 4:2, which says “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” I think of this verse whenever I need to inspire myself to give grace to those around me, and I hope you will as well. Have honest conversations with your family, and admit that this is a stressful time. Make sure to listen to the other members of your family.

It is also important to speak up for what we need. It is okay to say “I need some alone time today.” I am working from home, and that means that I need to be left alone when I am in my office. My wife and kids have been great about giving me space, because I asked for it. I told them what I needed, and they gave it to me. My wife asked me to exercise with her early this morning, and I knew that was something that she valued, and it was a need that I could help fulfill. We called our own family meeting to express our expectations during this time of social distancing. Some members needed more alone time, while others felt they needed to spend more time together to get through this. It’s important that your household has similar conversations, so you can help meet the needs of everyone involved.

Your Significant Other

With your partner, it’s important to be aware of each other’s expectation, and to talk about the things that have been particularly hard for both of you during this pandemic. As a marriage therapist, I am always preaching that couples should practice vulnerability. Vulnerability breeds intimacy, and it shows your true self to your partner. Be honest about the problems that social distancing is causing for you, and for your relationship. I talked to my wife about the things that were stressing me out, and I appreciated that she listened to me, and then prayed with me afterward.

I have seen the guilt that some people feel, because they think they should be enjoying this time with their partners more. When you go from to seeing them  mainly at night after work and on the weekends, to all hours of the day, that is a big adjustment. Marriage is hard in general, and the Bible talks about this frequently. The best course of action is to be honest with your partner when they are getting on your nerves, and get used to apologizing for awhile. It’s more important thatn ever to be vocal about your needs and expectations. When we take the time to communicate with one another, we can avoid having to argue with our spouse.

This is a great time to show your partner love in their love language. If their love language is words of affirmation, sit down and tell them 20 things that you appreciate about them. If their love language is physical touch, make sure they’re getting plenty of snuggles. If their love language is quality time, make plenty of time for conversation. If their love language is acts of service, ask how you specifically can serve them. Perhaps you can make them dinner and clean up the mess when it’s done. If their love language is gifts, buy them some toilet paper! Or, you know, some flowers or something nice. There are plenty of ways that you can connect during this time, such as watching your wedding video, having an indoor date, or spending time with family. If you want to go outside, take a walk around your neighborhood. Be creative!

Your Kids

There are going to be times during this that will make you question your parenting skills, but you are not a terrible parent, so squash the negative self-talk. Give yourself grace, and give your kids grace too, as they have also been completely knocked out of their routine. They are going to be a bit wackier, and your teens might be a bit moodier. Try to remember that they might be going a little stir crazy just as much as you are. Sit down with your kids and explain your expectations during this time. Ask them how they feel about everything going on, and see how they are coping with losing the structure and socialization that school provides.

This is also a great time to spend some quality time with your children. Play with Play-Doh, build legos, paint, garden, draw with sidewalk chalk, cook a meal together, or play hide and seek. If they are older, maybe play some board games together, or watch your favorite music videos on YouTube. Sit down with your kids and help them with their online school work, and try not to get too frustrated if you do not understand it yourself. One of my favorite activities is to have an encouragement circle. Have everyone sit in a circle, and take turns complimenting or encouraging each member of your family!

Your Immediate Family

Having older and more at risk parents can make this time even more frightening. The other night, my sister and I had a video party with my mother. It helps her feel connected to us during social isolation. We each had our own glass of wine, and we talked for an hour.

Please remember to call your parents and check in on them. If they’re not technology savy enough to use video chat, or don’t use the internet a lot you can still write them a letter. I suggest writing them a letter about the things you appreciate about them. As a parent, I appreciate so much more what my parents did for me, and I did not fully grasp their sacrifices until I was a parent myself. Give yourself grace and give them grace. They are probably more scared than you right now.

Here at Stenzel Clinical Services we offer marriage, individual, teen and children’s therapy, both in our offices and online. For more information, be sure to visit our website to connect with any of our therapists or to learn more about what we offer.