Have You Tried the James 1:19 Challenge?

James 1:19 says “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” As a counselor and former pastor, I speak to a lot of churches and groups and I come back to this verse often. I use it in everything from marriage to parenting talks. It’s a practical verse that can apply to almost any topic I speak on.

I am putting forth what I call “The James 1:19 Challenge.” I would like to challenge everyone to choose to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry for the next 30 days. Do not just listen to the first few sentences a person says while you wait to respond, but take the time to really listen to what they are saying. Carefully craft the words that you want to use to respond, and don’t allow your anger to control your tongue. It’s going to be harder than it sounds, but these steps can help you succeed.

1. Quick to Listen

Listening is one of the most respectful things you can do because really listening means acknowledging what someone else is saying, rather than waiting for a chance to make a point about what you have to say. It’s a wonderful way to show that you care for someone. We are often a society that is slow to listen, quick to speak, and very quick to become angry. Log on to any social media site and you will see countless examples of this. A majority of this comes from insecurity, and it’s that very feeling that makes us adamant that what we feel is correct and what others feel is wrong. Social media can make this problem worse by creating less chances for people to connect and really listen to each other. Very often, people simply “like” what we have to say and then move on.

People desire real connection. People want to be heard. As John Gottman says, “Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that person understands you.”

People also want to know that someone is listening. Listening shows that you respect the person talking, care about what they have to say and creates a feeling of connection between the two of you. Social media and technology have hindered our ability to connect with others which is why it’s so important to slow down and listen to the opinions of others. Value the person you are talking to; you do not have to agree with them, but simply listen to them. Do not just hear their first few sentences and try not to merely wait for a chance to respond. Instead, listen to hear and understand. Ask questions about what you just heard. You might actually learn something!

2. Slow to Speak

Being slow to speak means that you do not always have to talk. I have a very driven personality and I often find myself in leadership roles. When I join a group, I love to lead, which means that I can end up taking over the group. Recently, I have purposely tried to be more of a follower in group settings. I wanted to listen and watch, but still occasionally contribute so others could have the privilege of leading. I have a learned a great deal from letting others lead, and now I’m putting what I learned to practice at Stenzel Clinical.

More therapists are getting leadership opportunities because I realized that if I control everything, then I’m actually not doing my best. Being the only person in charge meant that I was spreading myself too thin. Now that I have given more responsibility to others I’m less burned out. And to make things even better, people are excelling in their new leadership roles, which creates a better work environment for everyone around the practice and allows even more people to reap the benefits.

3. Slow to Anger

Anger is not necessarily a wrong emotion to have, but it can cause us to do things that are wrong. For instance, it is not wrong to be mad but it is wrong to yell at your spouse. We are often quick to anger because we are actively looking for reasons to get angry, whether we realize it at the time or not. We are not dealing with the difficulties in our lives or confronting the people who need to be confronted. We store up our anger, and release it onto people that do not deserve it. If you find yourself getting angry, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself “does the situation warrant the amount of anger I am feeling?” If you are able to do this in the moment, you will find that answer is often “no”. We all need to relax, and listen to people with views that are different than our own. This will help us form better connections with the people in our lives.

I am aware that this challenge may be difficult for a majority of the people who attempt it. It is countercultural to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. However, I truly believe that this challenge will benefit your life and the lives of people around you. I would love to see our community benefit from people participating in the James 1:19 Challenge.