Maintaining Strong Relationships During Stressful Times

When tensions are high, patience tends to be low. That old joke about coming home from a long day and kicking a dog was made for a reason. We take our aggressions and frustrations out on our spouses and children because they are safe people that we trust, and we know that they will still love us even during our worst moments. We hurt those we love the most. You cannot yell at your boss because you will get fired. You cannot yell at your neighbor; they will think you are crazy. However, for some reason, we feel comfortable enough to do this to our family members. During stressful times, it is important to come together as a family and love each other. These are some ways that you can show love to your family.

Talk through your feelings

The first step is to simply tell them that you love them. The three simple, but powerful words,  “I love you” are a great way to show your family the way you feel about them. Next, remember to apologize when you are wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, but that does not make you a bad person, nor does not make you weak. Apologizing shows character and growth. It lets the other person know that you’re acknowledging your mistakes, and that you are going to make an effort to change. It is important to find the cause of your frustration. Ask yourself how you feel, and think about where the feeling might be truly coming from. If you came home from a stressful day at work, and your wife had broken a plate and you yelled at her, what was the reason? Was it because she broke a plate, or because of you were feeling angry after a stressful day at work? Ask yourself if it was necessary to take your negative emotions out on someone else over an accident, and I think you’ll find that you already know the answer.

Pick your battles

 Small inconveniences happen all the time, and they shouldn’t always send you over the edge. It’s important to admit when you are in a bad mood and consider how that is affecting your reactions to things. The other night I came home from a frustrating day at work that seemed to take forever. I let my wife know that I was crabby, and she thanked me. She thanked me for telling her what I needed and it allowed her to give me more empathy and grace. No one wants to admit when they are crabby, but it happens to all of us.

Proper self-care can help eliminate some frustration in your life and make it easier to keep your cool. If you are able to take the time to care for yourself, you will be more patient with others.Try not to be too hard on yourself, because people who are too hard on themselves are often too hard on others. Being gentle with yourself can reduce stress and help you learn how to be more gentle with those around you.

Make room for quality time

Simply being stuck in the house together doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re getting quality time in. There are plenty of things that you can do with your spouse or family that will help everyone relax. Take a walk, exercise together, or play a game. Cook a meal together at home, or complete some chores around the house as a group. You can also serve others during times of difficulty. Mow a neighbor’s lawn, or volunteer your time to organizations such as Feed My Starving Children.

It’s also be important to get out of the house and spend some time away from your family. Do not look to only them to meet your emotional needs. While I love my wife dearly, it takes a village. I have my friends, the people in my bible study, and people at work who all help fill up my emotional tank. Not one person can fill it for me, and that is okay. It is also important to spend some time alone. Go read a book, listen to a podcast, or spend some time connecting with God. If you are arguing with your spouse and things are getting heated, consider taking a timeout. Tell your partner “I am very upset and need to take a timeout. Can we talk about this in an hour?” This will allow you to calm down and stop your body from producing adrenaline. But make sure you and your partner finish the conversation, leaving it up in the air doesn’t help anyone’s stress levels.

Be Mindful of Others

One of the best things you can do when you are upset is to be vulnerable. For example, when a dog growls at you, naturally you become scared. But if a dog puts its belly up to you, your defenses will lower. The same goes for communication. If you talk to someone in a hostile tone they won’t be as open to listening to what you’re trying to say. But if you show them your belly and use vulnerable emotions, the conversation will be easier to navigate.

And remember, the more right that you are, the more carefully you should speak. People are defensive and do not like being told they are wrong. Oftentimes, when we try to correct someone, we don’t consider how we’re coming across to the other person. You cannot just throw facts at someone and expect them to listen to you. Next time, try using more compassion and vulnerability when it’s time for tough discussions with your loved ones.

Set expectations

Expressing expectations is vital during difficult times, because unspoken expectations can end up turning into resentment. It is not fair for you to be mad at someone who does not hat you had expectations for them in the first place.

When the pandemic started, I suddenly had 3 kids living in my house again. One of the first things I did was call a family meeting to talk about expectations. We talked about things such as chore distribution. This helped everyone not stare at a sink full of dishes feeling angry, and instead set the expectation that the dishes should be put away. This also helped the children understand their new role living in our house after being away for an extended period.

Talking out issues and then finding a solution is very important. If your husband and you are fighting, consider talking to a friend you trust about the issue and ask for their opinion.

It is also important to talk to yourself, not just listen to yourself. While that might seem like a funny statement, it is true. If someone hurts you, you might start thinking about the other bad things they’ve done and ignore all the times you’ve been the one to hurt them. Try to be rational. Take a timeout, calm down, and think about the good things they have done for you, and perhaps the bad things you have done to them in the past. Attempt to talk yourself down from anger, not talk yourself up and get more upset.

Whenever I am frustrated with someone, I try to quote my year verse, Ephesians 4:2, which says “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” I will also try to remember a quote by Andrew Murray that says “humility is not thinking less of yourself- it is thinking of yourself less.” Humility is not self-deprecating, but rather thinking of others before yourself.

Finally, talking to a professional can be helpful. If you are struggling with frustrations, or arguing with your spouse, talking to a counselor can help create more open lines of communication and lead to a healthier, happier life. At Stenzel Clinical Services, we have over 40 trained clinicians that can walk alongside you during difficult times, whether they be global, or just in your own backyard. Find a therapist that is right for you on our website.