When choosing a therapist, it is important to consider their Areas of Practice. specializes in:

When choosing a therapist, it is important to consider their Areas of Practice. specializes in:

When choosing a therapist, it is important to consider their Areas of Practice. specializes in:

By Grant Stenzel, MS Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor 

Caring for your children is stressful on its own, but what about when caring for your family also includes your aging parents? Almost half of adults in their 40s have children and a parent aged 65 or older. 1 in 7 of these provides financial support for both their children and their parents. If you find yourself in this increasingly common situation, these are some steps you can take to lessen your load.


1. Ask for help!

This might seem like the most obvious solution, but it can be extremely hard for someone who feels like they can do it all to let go of any amount of responsibility. You might be able to do it all for a little while, but no one can sustain that for long. It’s important to look around and assess what things in your life can be handed off to someone else. If you have siblings, how much do they help with your parents? Are they willing to do more? Even if they live far away and are unable to contribute financially, can they provide more emotional support? Even something as simple as having them call your parents several times a week can be a huge relief. You get a break from being the main financial and emotional support system.

Be sure to ask your children for help as well, especially if any of them are adults. And even if you only have younger children, figure out what they can to do help. Can they take on more responsibility around the house? Putting your children in charge of basic household cleaning tasks like doing the dishes, running the vacuum cleaner and making sure things are picked up and put away means a lot less work on your plate every week.


2. Give yourself a break.

Between your children’s needs, the needs of your parents and whatever your job might be, there’s probably very little time for relaxation. Still, try to take a break sometimes. This might come in the form of lowering some of the expectations you have for yourself. Even something as simple as settling for having a tidy home, when usually you like to keep your living space spotless. Or, go to the gym three nights a week instead of five and give yourself some more relaxation time instead. Reducing the expectations you set for yourself will also reduce stress.

You might also consider hiring help in taking care of your parents if you can afford it. Some people arrange for others to take on a brunt of the responsibility, and that’s okay. There are many factors that can complicate caring for your parents yourself, and you don’t need to feel guilty if you’re not the one doing everything for them all the time. Remember that your feelings and comfort are important too.


3. Remember that it’s okay to say “no”.

When your parents have come to depend on you it can be hard to say no to them. But even if you are willing and able to take on the full weight of their care, it’s important to have boundaries. You might be afraid of displeasing them by saying no. After all, dealing with someone who is upset because you denied them is a stressful situation to be in.  But this is actually another reason that firm boundaries are necessary. When they’re in place, you’ll find yourself having to say no a lot less often. If you are currently trying to set boundaries and having a hard time, know that they will probably get worse at first. But stick with it! Your parents will eventually adjust when they realize that you’re serious and sticking with it.

Remember, it’s your job to take care of them, but it’s not your job to manage their emotions. The same goes for your children. You might encounter some resistance when you lay down your new expectations for your relationships, but it’s necessary for your own mental health. Your mental well-being is just as important as theirs, but it’s easy to lose sight of that fact when you’re trying to make life easier for the people you love.

Try to remember that you don’t have to be Superman or Wonder Woman the next time you feel like you can take on every responsibility that exists in your family. If you are struggling with the balancing act of caring for your children and your parents at the same time, then it might be time to let us help.

Almost half of adults in their 40s have children and a parent aged 65 or older. 1 in 7 of these provides financial support for both their children and their parents.

By Grant Stenzel, MS Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor

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