Parenting the Angry Teen

Anger, whether in adolescents or adults, is a complex emotion to discuss due to its multifaceted nature. Let’s explore one perspective on the value of anger and how it can intensify during adolescence.

Anger serves two primary functions

1. Alert System: It acts as a warning signal, highlighting situations that threaten our well-being and focusing our attention.
2. Motivator: It energizes us to respond expressively, protectively, or correctively, driving us to take action

Anger often stems from judgments about what should or shouldn’t have happened. For example, ‘You betrayed my trust!’ or ‘You never told me!’ The more judgmental a person is, the more prone they are to anger. Such individuals can be overly reactive, finding themselves angered by even minor inconveniences. Constant anger can be exhausting and stressful.

Conversely, less judgmental people tend to be less prone to anger. While this can lead to a more accepting attitude, it can also make them vulnerable to mistreatment if they become overly passive. The ability to express anger is essential for self-defense and setting boundaries.

Anger often arises in response to perceived violations of our well-being

For example, ‘That was wrong!’ ‘You broke your promise!’ ‘You lied!’ ‘You didn’t listen to me!’ or ‘You really hurt me!’ Additionally, anger directs our response, prompting us to address the situation by discussing what happened, why it occurred, and how to prevent it from happening again.

Anger can be a positive force when it serves as a guardian of our emotional well-being, motivating healthy self-preservation responses. For example, ‘This is unfair!’ ‘I need to stop that!’ or ‘I should be treated differently!’ However, anger can also be destructive when it becomes overly sensitive or reactive, taking things personally that aren’t meant to be. When grievance turns into hostility, it can justify harmful actions, such as ‘I’ll get you back!’ ‘I’ll get my way!’ or ‘I’ll show the world!’

The line between constructive and destructive anger is delicate. While anger can be a powerful tool for setting things right, it can also spiral into rage, justifying violence. The effective use and management of anger are essential for navigating this complex emotion.

Now, let’s explore how anger tends to intensify during adolescence.

Compared to the typically cheerful child, parents often describe a more irritable adolescent as they enter the coming-of-age period, usually around ages 9 to 13.

Common terms used by parents include temperamental, discontented, restless, grumpy, complaining, sensitive, argumentative, touchy, moody, grouchy, short-tempered, and sometimes explosive: ‘Tick…tick…tick, we never know when something’s going to set him off, and neither does he!’

Why might such a significant change occur?

It can be attributed to the adolescent’s struggle to keep up with rapid physical, emotional, and social development, which they have no control over. For example, each day begins with a battle against the mirror, confronting an awkward and unsatisfactory image of themselves that they must present to the world, fearing judgment from others. Self-criticism often dominates their thoughts, with frequent laments like ‘I wish I could change how I look!”

Adolescents may sometimes wish they could eliminate anger but struggle to find effective coping strategies. Parents can suggest the following ten techniques:

1. Acknowledge Anger’s Message: Recognize that anger signals a violation of your well-being.
2. Express Your Feelings: Talking about your emotions can provide relief.
3. Address the Issue: Take action to rectify the situation.
4. Let Go of Grievances: Avoid dwelling on past negative experiences.
5. Practice Forgiveness: Extend forgiveness to others and yourself.
6. Reset Positive Expectations: Focus on the future and believe in positive outcomes.
7. Focus on what is going well: Acknowledge the good things in your life.
8. Resist the temptation of resentment: Avoid holding grudges.
9. Reduce Judgment: Be less critical of yourself and others.
10. Master Your Anger: Learn to manage anger effectively, rather than letting it control you.

Responding to adolescent anger with parental anger is counterproductive. Instead of labeling anger as ‘bad,’ encouraging open communication through empathetic listening can be more effective.

Adolescent anger often serves as a proxy for underlying emotions, reflecting a range of unhappy experiences. Anger can express grievances and emotional wounds, such as embarrassment, shame, misunderstanding, mistreatment, rejection, restriction, betrayal, insult, disapproval, disappointment, blame, ridicule, teasing, defeat, bullying, neglect, violation, attack, or frustration.

Help your adolescent view anger as an emotional signal: ‘When you’re feeling angry, it means something has violated your well-being.’ However, caution them against impulsive or aggressive reactions: ‘Losing your temper or striking back can worsen the situation.’ Anger can be a valuable tool, but it can also be destructive if not managed properly.

As adolescents grow, life becomes increasingly complex. Anger signals that something has gone wrong or that a desired outcome has not been achieved. It’s important to think things through and communicate effectively rather than acting impulsively.