Strongly Attached

Think you’ve mastered the art of hiding your emotions from your partner? Well – consider it  again. A new study by prominent emotion researcher Dr. James Gross reveals a surprising truth: shutting down your feelings actually sabotages your relationship. Gross’ research sheds light on a seemingly illogical phenomenon. When we try to suppress emotions, especially in close relationships where the trigger (your partner) is still present, it’s like trying to hold back a flood with a teacup. Not only does the effort itself ramp up our internal tension, but our emotional leakage sends out subtle signals that amplify tension for our partner too.

Imagine a tense conversation you had recently. Did your silence feel heavy, unspoken words hanging in the air? Did your partner’s frustration seem to mount as you closed up? Science suggests these reactions are more than just coincidence. Bottling up our emotions creates a ripple effect, poisoning the very wellspring of connection.

So, what does this mean for building a vibrant, healthy relationship? The answer lies not in emotional shutdown, but in open communication and skillful expression. Next time strong feelings arise, try taking a deep breath, acknowledging your emotions, and seeking constructive ways to share them with your partner. Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s the bedrock of trust and intimacy.

When we deny our feelings, our faces often betray us

A flicker of sadness in our eyes, a tightening of our jawline – these nonverbal cues speak louder than our words. Our partner senses this disconnect, creating a sense of unease. They can’t predict our behavior, left wondering what’s truly going on behind our “I’m fine.” This uncertainty puts everyone off balance, heightening the risk of misunderstandings and a strained atmosphere.

Emotions are lightning-fast. Our brain reacts emotionally in a blink, while our thinking brain takes a bit longer to catch up. This means that by the time we consciously decide to manage our emotions, our face may have already flashed a fleeting expression of anger, sadness, or something else. It’s like sending an email before proofreading – the message is out before we can fully evaluate it. Not only can this be confusing for our partners, but denying our emotions altogether can make it harder for them to feel secure and understood.

The good news is, we can bridge this gap between our emotional and rational brains. By practicing mindfulness and taking a moment before reacting, we can become more aware of our emotions and choose how to express them in a healthy way. This allows us to build stronger, more trusting relationships with our partners by being authentic and emotionally available.

As lovers and partners, what does this tell us about shutting down and suppressing our emotions? It’s a strategy we need to handle with caution. Contrary to our hopes, it rarely calms us down, cools a heated conversation, or avoids conflict. Often, it’s just a habitual response born out of uncertainty. Research and experience convey that simply expressing our emotions—anger, sadness, fear, surprise, even shame or joy—doesn’t carry the danger we might imagine. In fact, naming our emotions can be surprisingly grounding and empowering. It also gives our partners a chance to respond—to truly empathize and show their love. This ability to be with us, to be there for us in all our emotions, is one of the cornerstones of a truly fulfilling relationship.

From infancy, attachment theory guides us through the intricacies of relationships

It reveals us not just as social beings, but as “Homo vinculum,” the “one who bonds.” Our emotional connection, encompassing the full spectrum of feelings and their regulation, becomes our primary survival strategy. In the face of isolation, loneliness, loss, fear, and vulnerability – all key players in behavioral health – these seemingly “problematic” emotions within relationships can surprisingly become catalysts for growth and resilience.

Here’s how:

• Challenge fosters flexibility: When faced with emotional turbulence within relationships, we have the potential to develop greater adaptability. Navigating these challenges together strengthens our capacity to bond, ultimately wiring and firing our neural pathways for secure connection.
• Vulnerability breeds strength: Sharing our vulnerabilities in close relationships can feel counterintuitive, but it fosters intimacy and trust. This emotional transparency allows us to leverage the support and understanding of our loved ones, building resilience in the face of adversity.
• Loss sparks reflection: While painful, loss can prompt us to re-evaluate our values and priorities, leading to personal growth and a deeper understanding of ourselves and our needs within relationships.
• Fear ignites exploration: Fear of losing a loved one can motivate us to invest more in the relationship, fostering communication, understanding, and ultimately, a stronger bond.

By embracing flexibility and growth, we enhance our relational adaptability and deepen our bonding experiences

This dynamic rewires our neural architecture, enabling us to connect more securely and authentically. Ultimately, this journey of emotional engagement fosters our “best selves” within the context of our closest relationships.

Predictable physical and/or emotional connection with an attachment figure acts as a soothing balm to our nervous system. Imagine a warm embrace after a long day, a comforting word whispered during a moment of fear, or a shared laugh that melts away tension. These moments of connection, whether physical or emotional, create a safe haven within us, a refuge where we can find comfort, reassurance, and a sense of belonging (imagine a child hugging their parent)

This sense of safety is more than just a feeling; it has a profound impact on our physical and mental well-being. Studies have shown that secure attachment in early childhood can lead to lower stress levels, better emotional regulation, and stronger immune systems. The predictable and responsive nature of these relationships tunes our nervous system to be less sensitive to threats, creating a baseline of calm that allows us to navigate the world with greater confidence.

Being emotionally responsive to others also plays a critical role in shaping our expectations of the world

When we consistently receive care and support from our attachment figures, we begin to see the world as a more predictable and manageable place. We learn that even when challenges arise, we have the resources and the support to overcome them. This sense of security fosters resilience and allows us to approach life with a sense of optimism and hope.

In essence, predictable and responsive connections are the cornerstones of our emotional well-being. They provide us with a safe haven, regulate our nervous system, and shape our expectations of the world. By nurturing these connections, both within ourselves and with others, we cultivate a sense of peace, resilience, and connection that empowers us to navigate life’s journey with greater ease and grace.

From our earliest breaths to our final moments, humans crave not only social interaction, but also the physical and emotional closeness of irreplaceable relationships. This deep yearning for connection, a felt sense of emotional intimacy, is a fundamental human need. While anxieties, dangers, and uncertainties can mask this need, it remains vital. In times of threat and hardship, sharing vulnerabilities actually strengthens the bonds of secure attachment. Connection, comfort, and reaching out to others form the essential foundational structure of secure relationships.

When we have the unwavering support and love of a trusted loved one, it creates a secure base – a springboard from which we launch into the world. This safe haven allows us to take risks, explore, and develop our skills and independence with a sense of confidence and freedom. This isn’t a form of weakness; it’s effective dependence, a powerful wellspring of inner strength and resilience.

Building this secure base requires consistent, accessible, and emotionally engaged interaction

By actively listening, offering support, and celebrating each other’s triumphs (big and small), we cultivate a dynamic relational health. This vibrant interplay fosters trust, understanding, and a deep sense of connection.

Imagine the difference: instead of venturing out into the world feeling alone and vulnerable, we step out with the unwavering knowledge that someone has our back. We can climb mountains, chase dreams, and face challenges with a newfound courage, knowing that no matter what, we have a safe harbor to return to, a source of unwavering love and support that replenishes our spirit and fuels our adventures.