The Power of Humility Part III: Fostering Healthy Relationships

One of the keys to being a good spouse, parent or friend is to approach every relationship with humility. And remember: our working definition of humility comes to us from Andrew Murray, who defines it as “not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less often.”

If you are to truly practice humility you will need to strive to listen to people when they speak, rather than simply waiting to respond. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” When we take the time to listen to others, it makes that person feel cared for and loved. People want to be known and accepted, so your undivided attention is a great gift that can be given to those around you. You’d be amazed at how much listening can really help someone and make them feel known and accepted.

Everyone can practice better listening skills

 When it comes to marriage counseling, I have yet to see a couple that I have not had to teach listening skills to. One of the major problems with arguments is that we are more worried about what we are going to say to prove we are right, rather than hearing what the other person has to say. Arguments often happen because they involve two people who only see their side of the story. If we become more willing to stop and listen, we can learn to truly hear the other person and help de-escalate future situations.

In arguments, people tend to raise their voices and repeat themselves when they feel unheard. Whether the argument is with friends, family or a total stranger, when people feel that they are unheard, these are two of the most common ways people try to correct that regardless of how ineffective it is.

If you find your disagreement escalating to the point of yelling, something that can help is to take time to calm down. If you are emotionally charged, you are not thinking as rationally as you believe. You are using your amygdala, the part of the brain that controls emotions.

It’s okay to say, “I recognize myself getting too upset right now, I need to take an hour to calm down and then we can continue talking.” This gives your adrenaline levels time to go down, and gives you time to think about what you actually want to say. It is an act of humility to admit when you need time to calm down to avoid saying something that will hurt someone else. Being humble means being able to admit fault when you do something wrong.

Owning what you can own

One part of humility is taking ownership of your actions. This is not owning what you should not own, but apologizing for what you did wrong. If you’re having a hard time telling the difference between the two, then take some time to pray and contemplate. It’s important that you do not use apologies as a way to simply end an uncomfortable disagreement; do not apologize for something you don’t feel remorse for. It cheapens the apology and won’t mean as much to others. Instead, listen and apologize when necessary.

We are not always right, even though we think we are. Being humble means understanding that we cannot always be correct. It takes strength to listen to the perspectives of others and admit that you are wrong. Most of the time, we judge others based on our own perceived strengths and weaknesses, but each person is unique and their strengths might differ from our own.

One of the best parts of building relationships is finding people who have strengths where we have weaknesses. I was recently talking to my wife and suddenly thought to myself, “I am better at listening than her”. Of course, I think I am stronger there, I am a therapist! And it might be true, but I was still ignoring many of the faults that I also bring to the table. With humility, we can admit when we are wrong, and it can help de-escalate a situation. Instead of getting angry that I perceive myself as better at listening, I immediately thought of all the ways my wife is strong where I am weak. It might be difficult, but saying that we are wrong without making excuses can be very powerful.

Vulnerability

Learning humility can make it easier to choose vulnerability. This is important because, without it, we cannot have intimacy. You have to be humble enough to be vulnerable about your weaknesses in order to foster intimacy.

We all have parts of our lives that we are scared for others to see, but discussing these with loved ones helps us become closer to them. If you go to your spouse and say, “I am really struggling with anxiety about my job right now,” then you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This simple act creates an opportunity to foster love and trust between the two of you, and it gives them a chance to help you as well.

What we often do instead is to try to pretend that we are not weak, or scared and that we have full control of the situation. This is when the small things start to get to us. The old adage of people coming home and kicking the dog comes to mind. When we refuse to face the truth, we’re more likely to displace our anxiety and anger on the people around us. Instead, try admitting that you are having a bad day, and seek help from those around you. If you are honest, it might be easier for people to handle your bad moods, because they understand and sympathize with where they’re coming from.

All relationships can be tricky, no matter how well you get along or how understanding both people try to be. If you or a loved one are struggling and need help navigating disagreements in a healthy way, then please reach out to us. We are always here to help.